Steve Scroggins - Steve's Wonder and Plagiarism Page

Steve's Wonder & Plagiarism Page

Send me an idea; I'll recycle it!

These Facts and Questions to Ponder were copied from the web, but I don't know the original source. My apologies to the compiler. I wonder if they stole it, too...--Steve Scroggins

Questions to Ponder - Questions you may never have wondered.

New Questions to Ponder (from Dwight Wallace)

Facts to Ponder - Spiced with my wonderful comments.

Award Shows I'd Like To See - Had to throw in one original item. ©

Goofy Quotes - Also copied from somewhere (citation lost). More quote Links.

Marion Barry quotes - Yes, I know it's redundant next to "goofy quotes."

Al Gore Quotes - this is the popular list floating around the web.

Andy Rooney quotes - stuff attributed to Rooney.

Einstein quotes - profound stuff

Product Directions - Actual directions on various products.

Actual Bumper Stickers - Another stolen list.

Bumper Sticker Links - Browse for fun or to buy.

Brain Candy - Link to a fun site.

Oxymorons - Stolen stuff.

Marital Software Tips - More stolen stuff.

Student Bloopers Explain Human History - A stolen compilation.

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Updated 10/29/1999

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Questions to Ponder:

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? -Steve Wright

More Stupid Questions from Brain Candy: http://members.aol.com/WordPlays/stupid.html

Dwight's Questions to Ponder

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it; but when I wind up a project, I end it?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

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Facts to Ponder:

*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

(So, they have ten times more to hate. Just kidding, I'm a dog person. Funny bumper sticker: I Love Cats...they taste just like chicken. --ss)

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. (I wonder how much longer Ross Perot will live....--ss)

David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

(The saddest part is that when he auditioned for a Saturday morning TV show, he lost out to PeeWee Herman. OK, not really, I just made that up. --ss)

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. (Rule this out for the next Clinton campaign stop. --ss)

*The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. (That's a lot of $2000 toilet seats! --ss)

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

*Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. (So why did Jesse Jackson called New York "hymie-town?" --ss)

* Cat's urine glows under a black light. (Didn't everyone know that? --ss)

* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. (This is handy to know! --SS)

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed. (Mohammed Smith is a friend of mine! --ss)

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

(I'll bet none of them can do what Jordan does with a basketball. Some commie must have written this one. --ss)

* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super Bowl. (Watch out for the Falcons this year! --ss)

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". (I'll never forget that episode. --ss)

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured. (Do you think they checked the hospital ER records on that? --ss)

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers --they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

(The Movie "Devil's Weed" took care of hemp, modern anti-smoking nazis have tobacco on the ropes. Fine. I don't smoke. Alcohol is next on the hit-list along with fatty foods. I draw the line with butter, hamburgers and coffee! They can have my coffee and beef when they pry it from my cold, dead, fat-slicked fingers. --SS)

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan" (Then the name "Frosty" was made up for customers at Wendy's. --ss)

Dull Award Shows I'd Like To See (once) ©

By Steve Scroggins

Most of the time, I'd rather read my Microsoft License Agreement or my IRS Instructions for 1040 than watch an award show on TV. However, I might make an exception if my proposal is enacted. The Emcee should be Rush Limbaugh simply because he annoys so many people.

Everyone's heard of Emmy's, Grammy's, Oscars, People's Choice (sounds communist), and various other award shows. Some show (Was It "Not Necessarily The News" on HBO?) once featured a Golden Screw award for best government ripoff, screwup or injustice.

My proposed Award Show would be for the Biggest, Best, most ingenious LIES.

With the Clintons in the White House, there's little question who would DOMINATE the night and leave with the most prizes.

I suggest we call these awards WHOPPERs or maybe SHAMMYs.

The category is the BOLDEST BOLD-FACED Lie...and the nominees are...

Bill Clinton for .... "my budget plan will balance the budget AND protect Medicare, Medicaid, and the environment...."

Janet Reno.... "I see no evidence to justify an independent counsel for campaign violations..."

{please provide your nomination entries here} (Need Help? Click here.)

Or Click here for more BOLD LIES. Need more ideas? Click Here

The category is the Boldest Bold-Faced Lie told to a foreign audience...and the nominees are....

Hillary Clinton... for telling citizens of New Zealand that she was named for the famous mountain climber Sir Edmund Hillary, even though she was born 7 years BEFORE he climbed Mt. Everest and anyone ever heard of him.

The category of the most TRANSPARENT lie...the nominees are....

Al Gore..."There is NO controlling legal authority..."

Al Gore..."I did nothing wrong, and I promise never to do it again..."

Bill Clinton... "There is NO evidence, that I did (fill-in-the-blank)"

Bill Clinton...."While my deposition was legally accurate, I did mislead some people..."

{Email your nominations here} Don't forget to indicate the category.

Given the VOLUME of prevarications emanating from the White House, it would difficult to narrow the nomination list, but it would fun (outrageous but funny) to review the HIGHLIGHTS of Clinton Whoppers.

There are many non-White House nominees, too....

Mark Feuhrman: "I never used the "N" word."

OJ Simpson: "I was never physically abusive with Nicole." "I'd never wear such ugly-assed shoes." "I'm still looking for the killer."

Georgia Governor Zell Miller: "I will NOT run for a second term."

George Bush: "Read my lips...NO NEW taxes."

Email Me Your Suggestions for New Categories and Nominees

Goofy Quotes

(Again, apologies to the source of this list. --ss)

Please Lord, let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't spoil me. *(Anonymous t-shirt plea), Wireless catalog, 1994

My grandkids say, "Reality Bites." O.K., but it also challenges and rewards...I believe our best days are yet to come.

*George Bush, US president, College of William and Mary Graduation, 1995

The biggest critics of my books are people who never read them.

*Jackie Collins , best selling author, 1995

(People never read mine either and I never get any criticism. --ss)

I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.

*Gerald Early, writer, baseball documentary, 1994

(What about Little Richard and the Allman Brothers? --ss)

GO to the Georgia Music Hall Of Fame: http://gamusichall.com/

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more. *Jeff Foxworthy, commedian, 1995

(Ain't it the truth? --ss)

If Thomas Edison invented electric light today, Dan Rather would report it on CBS News as "candle making industry threatened".

*Newt Gingrich, US Congressman and House Speaker, 1995

Half the world does not know the joys of wearing cotton underwear.

*Phil Gramm, US senator and presidential candidate, promoting US exports, as quoted in Time, 1996

(Would Clinton suggest we send boxers or briefs? Both? --ss)

These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder.

Jeff Greenfield, news analyst, describing the jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial, 1995

Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.

Bob Inglis, 1995

http://www.termlimits.org/

A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didn't even know existed can render your own computer unusable.

Leslie Lamport, June 1992

If you knew how meat was made, you'd probably lose your lunch. I'm from cattle country. That's why I became a vegetarian.

K.D. Lang, singer and songwriter, magazine advertisement, 1990

(Bumper Sticker: If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, why did He make them out of meat? --ss)

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

*Bill Maher, commedian and commentator, 1995

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

*Bill Maher, commedian and commentator, 1995

Musically, we are more talented than any Bob Dylan. Musically, we are more talented than Paul McCartney...I'm the new Elvis.

Robert Pilatus, "singer" in the musical group Milli Vanilli, 1990

Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings.

George F. Will, journalist, political commentator, 1994

If the Almighty were to rebuild the world and asked me for advice, I would have English Channels round every country. And the atmosphere would be such that anything which attempted to fly would be set on fire.

*Winston Churchhill

Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly. - Batman Costume warning label

Readers: Does this make a case for tort reform? --ss

Click here to Enter Wacky Warning Contest > http://www.atra.org/eve4.htm

American Tort Reform Association: http://www.atra.org/Default.html

See Product Directions below for more wacky defensive instructions.

This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time. -- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather. -- Arab News report

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances. -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

To move cabin, push button of the wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press the number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by natural order. Button retaining pressed position shows received command -- Elevator Instructions, Madrid, Spain

Readers: Does this make a case for an Official Language for the USA? I'd hate to see the above writer translate the US Constitution. --ss

http://www.us-english.org/

Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity. -- IRS form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation

This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important.

-- H. Ross Perot

Voltaire: "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." (This is true in any century! Fortunately, our Framers saw fit to protect free speech in the Bill of Rights...now it's up to us to hold onto that right. --ss)

Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.

Bill Peterson, football coach

(See Bumper Sticker below about Three Kinds of People. --ss)

More quote Links:

http://members.aol.com/WordPlays/words.html#quotations

http://www.geocities.com/~spanoudi/quote-08.html

http://www.geocities.com/~spanoudi/quote-20.html

"Barry's World"

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."